Later I slept all afternoon (nice!) instead of walking Koz and posting, as planned. Then went to dinner with the fam to celebrate my birthday. I got an awesome new piece of equipment which will make posting so much easier.
This morning I was thinking about how to explain to someone, who has not experienced anxiety, what anxiety is like. I was watching Sport's Center with Scott and I thought of the Unhappy Triad. I thought of the fearless athlete. The freshman or sophomore in High School or College who fearlessly maneuvers around the field, slicing and dicing defenders, going in for a slide tackle, and throwing her body around in front of the goal to ensure a score. Later, it happens, an injury, maybe the unhappy triad, which includes tearing the MCL, ACL and Meniscus. Things are never the same. After an individual is consciously aware of the pain an injury can bring it is human nature to hold up when another, fearless, player could undercut you while you go for the header, or you could lock your knee during a slide tackle or that your cleats won't quite hold up in the wet grass. The fearlessness is gone.
I remember my first panic attack. I, honest to God , thought I was dying. I thought of how my family would feel, I thought of all that I would miss, I did not want to die, I was truly afraid. From that moment on every adrenalin rush, every strange feeling, every slight tingle, and every twitch is the symptom that would lead to the diagnosis that will make your original prognosis come true. My mind fears death like scared pray waiting for the predator to attack. And don't ask me to be reasonable about this: I can be driving on the most dangerous interstate in the United States and be worried about the possibility that the slight pain in my right temple (logically caused by the fact that I am grinding my jaw because I am worrying) is the first sign of a brain tumor.
Realistically, people who suffer from anxiety are similar to mice who starve to death because they are so preoccupied by watching the hawk circling over their head that they forget to eat. So, we are so preoccupied with death that we forget to live.
So, when I get up every morning I promise myself that, today, I will try not to forget to live - not all day, anyway.