I went to my Bible study last night and learned a very important lesson about myself in the process. My hesitations about religion are a manifestation of every little issue that I have. In that, I worry too much about what other people think and not enough about what I think/feel/believe. I have been too worried about how Christianity will effect other people (homosexuals, non-Christians, how different denominations are accepted) that I have not taken the time to truly evaluate what it means to me. I have not truly opened myself up and said - SHOW me.
In addition to this, after hearing at the Grammy's and from my more conservative (than I) Bible study friends, "I can do anything through Jesus Christ" I really started thinking about the meds. I really want to believe that I can go off them - but this is a really slippery slope. I really want to be pregnant in the next year (or so) and I know that I need to cut back or change or stop the meds - I am not sure how.
THEN I started thinking about my run/walks and how I have been patient enough with myself to build up to running, as opposed to killing myself by trying to run 45 minutes the first day. I equated that to the meds and I have decided that I am going to try the same approach...but by cutting down the meds, as opposed to building up to a 10 K run.
So, I am on 60 mg of Prozac now and I want to be off of it by the time I run my 10K (mid June). In essence, switching the running and the meds. Starting today and through March I am going to take 40 mg a day. Then at the beginning of April go down to 20 mg a day and hopefully feel strong enough, by June to stop the meds all together.
My method of stretching, or quieting my mind like stretching quiets my muscles, with be building my relationship with Jesus. Allowing myself to let go of control and be OK with that, be able to hand it off and know that I can and will be a stronger, better and brighter person when I do. I need to find the place in myself that knows that by building my personal faith I am not alienating anyone around me - I am actually allowing myself to love them more completely and truly.
On a lighter note, this is the official warning to all who know and love me that I very well may be a basket case in the near future - but it is just not about you right now, so you are going to have to deal with it! (Wow that was liberating in and of itself!)