Monday, March 5, 2007

Sometimes I feel like I can't even sing.

So, I am in the midst of a mild panic attack, for no good reason and I thought I would record what is going through my brain at the moment.

The beginning:
About 10 minutes ago I took a big swig of coffee and felt nauseous. I put the coffee up and grabbed my water and TLC crackers. Nausea subsided, thoughts did not. I started to "realize" that I fell a little out of it, kinda medicated, which is unusual. Then my mind started racing - did I take my meds twice this morning? As usual, the left side of my face feels a little funny, kinda droopy and I am continuously running the left side of my bottom lip across my teeth to make sure it is not numb. I have also taken to pinching my face (which is why I started typing so I would stop pinching) and my left hand.

My hands are ice cold. Right before I started typing this I got a mild (what I like to call) panic rush and the drive to get up and go talk to someone. Called Mom and S, neither there. Called Koz from his bed, he is snuggled in my lap. Started opening and closing my right eye then my left eye to see if my vision is off on either side, my left eye seems a little blurry. Very aware of the back of my head, punched around a little hoping not to find a soft spot. I have not been carrying my chill pills with me b/c things have been good lately. If I had one I would take it. I want to avoid picking my hair right now. Dad is supposed to be here shortly, hope he gets here soon so that I (just pinched the side of my face up my jaw line b/c it felt kinda funny) will get busy.

Now What:
I am going to go walk to the bathroom and back. Before I go I will do my balance tests...I will stand on one foot, extend my arms and touch my finger to my nose and evaluate my balance. Maybe on the way to the office someone else will mention that the office is cold and that will justify my freezing fingers.

Thanks for listening...

I'm very scared for this world
I'm very scared for me (REM)

1 comment:

Andy said...

Tell you what, I'm feeling pretty good at the moment and could probably cope with some MILD panic so send over HALF of your panic and I'll deal with that for you. Unfortunately you won't get this message until well after the panic has passed so it'll be too late but might be handy in the future.
Incidentally, I get 'symptom confusion'. I mistake excitement for anxiety which is awful since I'm quite exciteable BUT coffee used to stimulate me in such a way that I mistook the caffeine buzz for anxiety and (as you know) once triggered that anxiety could last for days. Giving up coffee helped. Just a thought. Take care.