Friday, March 16, 2007

Seems like I should be getting somewhere, Somehow I'm neither here no there

I'm stuck...

This is not an unusual place for me to be. I am usually in 100%, out 100% or stuck. When I got into running, I ran. I was doing great, sticking with it, increasing my time and mileage and enjoying the experience. Now, I have not run in over a week and I feel weak and tied. The potential of my knee hurting has caused me throw on the breaks. And, in turn, throw on the emergency break, coming to a complete and useless stop. Why eat well if I am not running, why do my core work if I am not running, why not just take a nap and start running tomorrow.

Like I said...this is not an unusual place for me to be - BUT, I have never publicly announced my great ability to stand in the middle of an avalanche and just watch the world fall all around me. This gift also includes the ability to totally pretend that nothing is happening, yet make GREAT excuses for why it IS happening.

Last night, sitting in my cozy chair, reading random blogs I thought to myself...I just need to grow up and get over it! I have started SO many things and not finished them. I can tell the world every excuse in the book, but when it comes down to it - I know the truth, I need to grow up and get it done.

Yes I want to play Spider solitaire for hours, yes I want to put off filing until tomorrow, yes I want to watch Law and Order for three hours, yes I want to eat four sugar cookies, yes I want to take a nap, yes I want one more glass of wine, yes I want to skip my core work tonight, yes I want put off, "trying to run on my knee" until tomorrow, and (truth be told) No I do not want to be help accountable for any of those decision...and YES I have a great excuse why.

Enough! It is time to be a big girl, at 31 I am calling myself out - grow up girl and for goodness sake, get over yourself!

Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a slow torch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning

So tired that I couldn't even sleep
So many secrets I couldn't keep
Promised myself I wouldn't weep
One more promise I couldn't keep

It seems no one can help me now
I'm in too deep
There's no way out
This time I have really led myself astray

Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here no there

Can you help me remember how to smile
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded
Life's mystery seems so faded

I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train

Everything is cut and dry
Day and night, earth and sky
Somehow I just don't believe it

Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughin' at the rain
Little out of touch, little insane
Just easier than dealing with the pain

Runaway train never comin' back
Runaway train tearin' up the track
Runaway train burnin' in my veins
Runaway but it always seems the same
(Soul Asylum)


Andy said...

May I speak frankly? OK. That's a great realisation but I think you're being a little unrealistic. You can't just one day decide to grow up. You are how you are through a lifetime of choices you've made. That's a lot of stuff to suddenly turn your back on and I think you're setting yourself up for disappointment. As you say I think you should JUST DO things. There's filing. Just do it! You love Law and Order. Just watch it! You should run. So run! Roping all this to your reluctance to grow up is yet another distraction, something else to think about. Make a habit of just doing stuff and stop judging yourself. Whether you've grown up or not, you're clearly a warm, kind-hearted, thoughtful person. Accept that and move forward. My mind works so similarly to yours and this is the advice I give myself. BLAH BLAH BLAH! Have a great day!

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