Last night I skipped my workout, drank two glasses of wine ate a cheese stuffed quesidillia and about three of four servings of a bag of chocolate cookies. After it was all over with I was feeling quite guilty. I began to beat myself up and then thought - OK, today balances the three good days I had Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday...this will be my one bad day this week. While this is not optimal and not a behavior, or a day, that I hope to repeat, I was proud of my frame of mind and my ability to not self destruct.
To continue this thought process I realized that balance is THE ability that I have lacked in my life. I was an all or nothing girl. I would totally commit myself to running, be in it for three or four weeks, miss a few workouts and drop it. In other words, take the easy way out. Once I found an excuse to fail...I allowed myself to fail. I have started,, and quit, three post graduate degrees, I have taken the easy way out and quit two jobs that challenged me emotionally and I have not stuck (until now) to an exercise routine. Even in the care I take of my house, bills, life...everything is either totally in order or totally out of order.
So here I am with the realization that balance can mean a number of things. Balancing my day, my week, my life is a fluid process that does not come with a recipe. My anxiety and OCD have sent me through a period where I felt as if I needed to find out, "who am I, where am I going, what am I doing?" and I realize now that those answers are also fluid and are not answered in a matter of days, weeks or therapy sessions.
Where does this all leave me...I don't know... and I am OK with that. After realizing that I had spent my evening in a very glutinous way I turned to the Bible. I was reading Luke and came across the following verse in Luke 2:13&14
And he said unto them, Exact no more than that which is appointed you.
And the soldiers likewise demanded of him, saying, And what shall we do? And he said unto them, Do violence to no man, neither accuse any falsely; and be content with your wages.
The word that stuck out to me and got me thinking was content. Not necessarily as used in the passage (I could use a raise:) but my next personal goal is to be content with myself....and the decisions I make...at 31 I need to realize I will never do anything perfect...and that is OK. The solution is really easy...yesterday was my rest day, I'll do my 45 minute run tonight and go to yoga in the morning to make up for missing a cross training workout.
In a soldier's stance, I aimed my hand
At the mongrel dogs who teach
Fearing not that I'd become my enemy
In the instant that I preach
My pathway led by confusion boats
Mutiny from stern to bow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now. (Bob Dylan)