Truth be told I liked the station that she listened to. One of the main reasons I liked the station was that Paul Harvey was featured daily. I loved his voice and the inside angle that he gave to events happening around the world. His segment was called, "The Rest of the Story." As I was thinking of this post I thought of Paul Harvey, because this post really is the rest of the story:
* I had a full blown panic attack in the first mile of my race on Saturday. My mind raced as the fear built. All I could think of was, what if I can not do this? My legs were heavy, my mouth was really dry and I could not seem to catch my breath. I had thoughts of stopping right then and saying that my knee hurt, that I did not feel good, straight out telling my family I was having a panic attack.
I was surrounded by people and felt totally closed in, like there was no where to go. I began singing to my ipod and trying to visualize that I was running on the treadmill at the gym. As one foot went in front of the other I calmed some and finally got into a rhythm. The last thought of bailing came when the 10K and the 5K split...I could just follow the 5K and say I got confused somehow.
When the split happened and I saw how few people headed up the hill on the 10K route I felt like I had to do this...I am one of few who have chosen this route and I have to do it. Shortly there after I saw Momma and Scott for the first time and that gave me a boost I needed badly.
*Right before the 4th mile marker we turned into a headwind, I had been trotting along nicely for a while at this point. When we hit the headwind I got really cold. Bone cold. I had decided to wear a sleeveless top because I thought I would be really hot, I never thought, for a second, that I would be so cold! It scared me and the OCD kicked in again. I looked down at my heart rate and it was at 99% (whatever that means). I was not tired but I walked because I was scared. I could not let go of the thought that something was seriously wrong with me.
I never warmed up the rest of the race and it was only after a warm bath that I felt my temp was normal back at home (we did eat at a cold restaurant after the race which probably did not help much). This is where the obsession kills me. The thought that something was wrong never passed through my head the rest of the race (I worried even after I got home) it played like a broken record in my head. Once again it was seeing my Mom and S and Alan and Kate on the bridge that boosted me to the finish.
* I have been off my meds for a while now. My psychiatrist lowered my dose but I continued the process and slowly stopped taking them all together. I can tell you, without a doubt that if I had been on meds neither of the two experiences I described above would have happened. The meds would have evened me out and I would not of had the panic sensations and I would not have obsessed over the cold feelings.
This leaves me in an interesting position. By God I made it through that race with panic, with obsessive thoughts and without meds; but, did I have to? Sometime in the near future I hope to be pregnant and at that time there will be no question, I will not be on meds (this is a decision I made myself after a lot of research).
But until then...who am I? Am I the girl that was Saturday who suffers through and is proud of herself not only for her physical accomplishment, but also for her mental accomplishment. Or am I the girl who does not worry who I am? The fact of the matter is that I am still not sure.
The girl who made it through the race on Saturday is not always a fun girl to be. She over thinks everything and stops herself, in her own tracks, at every turn. The girl who does not worry will always wonder if she is missing something by not worrying.
I am still thinking and praying about this one a lot. I am not sure what I will do...
Thanks again for all the support out there in the blog world. You all were definitely on my mind during the race. When it comes down to it, no matter who ever else I am, I am a lucky girl to be so supported!
Now you have the rest of the story,
Molly Cooper, Good Day
Molly Cooper, Good Day